


A Shame (That I Wasn't Better)

by Talvenhenki



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Julian is very unhappy tbh, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s05e16 Doctor Bashir I Presume
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29362413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvenhenki/pseuds/Talvenhenki
Summary: An encounter with a child reminds Julian of himself, and suddenly he finds himself panicking as memories flood his mind. However, this time his friends help him.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 23





	A Shame (That I Wasn't Better)

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many feelings about s5e16 that it'll probably take a few more fics to get them settled. I'm not too happy with this story but I'm uploading it anyway because maybe someone will find it satisfactory.
> 
> Also I find that I like writing Worf; he's a great character!

His hands were sweating. The boy – young, scrawny, too much like _Jules_ – was crying because he was afraid of doctors and suddenly memories flooded Julian’s mind and his hands were sweating. The tricorder fell from his hands as he stepped back, feeling quite faint. A nurse, the new, bright Bajoran woman, took over, reassuring the child that he wouldn’t be hurt by the check-up, while another tried to shake Julian out of his reverie.

That was a mistake.

Julian flinched at the touch, retreating, mumbled something about not feeling well, and left the infirmary. He strode away quickly – _not running, Jules, running in public is considered rude_ – eyes fixed ahead. Not knowing where his legs would take him, Julian tried to focus on his breathing. In and out. Not too quick. He didn’t want to faint on the promenade, not after freaking out over a child that reminded him too much of himself. _Jules_ , Julian insisted in his mind, the child reminded him of _Jules_ , not Julian. Julian had never been that small, had never cried out like that, had never shown weakness, and he wasn’t about to start now.

Julian bumped shoulders with someone, and the man snarled at him. “ _Freak_ ”, was mumbled somewhere nearby, although Julian wasn’t sure it was directed at him.

_Unnatural. Freak. A mistake. Those were words that the fifteen-year-old Julian couldn’t get out of his mind. He had just found the documents from the hospital at Adigeon Prime, the hospital that had performed the crimes on Julian. He was a freak, a monster, and now he had proof for it._

“Upper Pylon Three!” Julian choked, having found an empty turbolift. He needed to get out, out, out; somewhere safe with no one to see him.

_“Oh, you’re doing so great, Jules!” Amsha laughed, hugging her eight-year-old son. “You got the perfect score, alhamdulillah!”_

_Jules beamed. Father would be pleased with the score, especially since it was in science. He’d got it into his head that Jules should be a scientist, a doctor, and he wasn’t listening to Jules who would have liked sports more. Richard had confiscated Jules’ tennis rackets again and wouldn’t let Jules have them back unless he got the perfect score from his science exams, which had made Jules study extra hard._

_“Will I get to play tennis tonight, mom?” Jules asked, eager as always._

_Amsha’s smile faltered, but only for a moment. “I’m sure Richard will play with you”, she said, trying to sound reassuring._

Julian stumbled off the turbolift, panting. Why were those memories returning to him? Why had one crying child made him spiral bad enough that he needed to run away? Julian hadn’t needed to run away from anything since age seventeen.

Of course, it had only been a few days since his parents had left the station, and no more than a fortnight since he’d returned from the Gamma Quadrant. Even in his muddled state, Julian was aware of the fact that he should have met with the station counsellor after a month of imprisonment but, for some reason, he’d just been too busy making sure that the changeling had not done any real damage. He simply had not had the time for a counsellor.

_“Why?” Jules asked, his voice shrill. “Why I stay here alone?”_

_“Oh, my dearest”, Amsha said, tears in her eyes. She was hugging Jules who was trembling in fear. “These doctors are going to help you. They want to help you get better at school. Don’t you want to get better at school, Jules darling?”_

_“No!” Jules was shaking his head. “Don’t want to stay alone. Want you to stay!”_

_“Jules”, Amsha whispered, “you’ll have Kukalaka. He’s going to keep you safe, inshallah.”_

_“No!” Jules protested. “Kukalaka and I would be alone; don’t want to!”_

_“Come, Amsha”, Richard muttered, not looking at Jules, “the longer we stay, the worse it’ll be for him. We’ll see him after two weeks.”_

_As Amsha and Richard left, Jules wailed. His voice echoed from the bare walls until his ears rang and his head spun. He only stopped wailing when there was no more air in his lungs, and he had to breathe. Hugging Kukalaka, Jules curled up on the bed._

Julian found himself huddled against one of the windows used for viewing the wormhole. He was in a heap. Unfolding his limbs, Julian saw a few people staring at him. He wanted to yell at them, tell them off for being too curious, but he couldn’t. His voice didn’t work. He threw his hand at them, hoping that they would understand the gesture.

How long would it take, Julian wondered, before someone found him and helped? The infirmary staff would have alerted ops by now because all of them were trained medical professionals. They would have recognised Julian’s breakdown instantly.

Julian curled up again, trying to keep the wave of emotion at bay.

_“Why’d you do it?” Julian asked, furious. He had just confronted his parents about the genetic manipulations performed on him for the first time. “Why’d you let those doctors scramble my brain up? Why’d you change me?”_

_“Oh, don’t pretend it hasn’t made your life any easier”, Richard scoffed, “we did you a favour, Jules.”_

_“Don’t call me Jules. You did no favours. You committed a crime, and I should report you!”_

_“Report us? And what do you think would happen to you then?”_

_“Dear, don’t be so harsh”, Amsha said, no doubt trying to stop the situation from escalating. “It must have been a shock to Jules.” Turning to Jules, she smiled the same way she always did when she needed to calm her son. “Jules, try to understand. We were afraid that you’d live the rest of your life unhappy. We…we were worried what would happen to you if we died.”_

_“Do not call me Jules, mother”, Julian whispered, “you know I could have been happy, nonetheless. I could have had aids; I would have been in a special needs class. You don’t know for sure that I would have been unhappy!”_

_“Oh no”, Richard replied condescendingly, “but you wouldn’t have gone on to study medicine!”_

_“I never even **wanted** to become a doctor”, Julian retorted, voice rising, “that was your choice! You wouldn’t even listen to my wishes!”_

_“That was all in your best interest, Jules”, Richard said, sneering._

_“Don’t call me Jules!” Julian shouted and stormed out._

Someone was shaking Julian’s shoulder. Looking up, Julian recognised Constable Odo’s face looming over him. Odo looked over Julian, appearing almost curious, which made a hysteric laugh bubble out of Julian. He couldn’t stop it, couldn’t stop laughing, and he probably appeared terrified to Odo who let go of him. He retreated for a second and then shook his head.

“Odo to ops”, he called, “I’ve found Doctor Bashir. Requesting a beam-up to Security.”

“Acknowledged”, said the voice on the other end.

Closing his eyes, Julian felt the familiar sensation of dissolving in the transporter beam. For a moment, he wished he could stay dissolved for a bit longer, but immediately hated himself for having such a thought. His mental health professor had told him, years ago, how even non-violent thoughts of dissolving, disappearing, and ceasing to exist were considered suicidal ideation. No, Julian Bashir was _fine_ ; he did not wish to die.

Upon arriving to Odo’s office, Odo helped Julian up. It was odd, Julian would think later, how uncertain Odo’s movements were. He wasn’t rough as Julian had committed no crime, but it felt like Odo didn’t know what to do with Julian. And how could he? Odo was no healer; he didn’t have to care for people in a daily basis.

A quilt was placed on Julian’s shoulders, and a cup of tea in front of him. Behind him, Odo was speaking quietly. Maybe through a comm line. Julian couldn’t make out the words; he simply had no mental energy left to try.

_Three hundred and twenty-seven thousand four hundred and eight. That was how many ridges there were in the plaster of the ceiling of the solitary confinement cell Julian was in. 327 408. Julian had counted them over and over again and, thanks to his augmented eyesight, had come to the same number every single time._

_“Personal log, stardate who cares”, Julian spoke softly, not moving his eyes from the ceiling. “This is the seventh time I’ve been put in solitary confinement. The food here is worse, and the cell isn’t more than four square meters large. I don’t actually have anything to record my voice with but being silent drives me crazy.”_

_A deep sigh. “I guess that’s what the Jem’Hadar want, though. Maybe they’re just waiting for me to break and walk outside the compound and suffocate. Hah! I’m not giving them that kind of satisfaction. They’ll have to watch my face forever, unless by some miracle I’m saved.”_

_Another sigh. “I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but I miss Quark’s food. And raktajino. I haven’t had a good raktajino in a month. An empire for a raktajino.”_

There were more people now in Odo’s office. Jadzia, Worf…and Garak! What were they doing there? Julian looked up at them, confused. They were talking with Odo, quietly, and something told Julian that he was the topic of the discussion.

“What’s going on?”

“Ah, my dear doctor!” Garak said and would have joined Julian at Odo’s desk, had Worf not stopped him by pressing his hand on Garak’s shoulder. “We were worried about you.”

Julian frowned. His mind was still a bit muddy, and Garak’s words didn’t seem to register in his brain. He’d been in the upper pylon, and Odo had found him…after that, Julian wasn’t too sure what had happened. He was clutching the cup of tea Odo had replicated for him, not caring about the heat that was damaging his palms. At least he was feeling something.

“Julian”, said Jadzia, who sat down on the vacant chair next to Julian, “the infirmary alerted us after you’d left on the suspicion that you were suffering from an acute mental breakdown. They were worried about you, Julian. What happened?”

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Julian looked down on his tea to avoid Jadzia’s eyes. “A child”, he breathed, “there was a child. I…I guess that child reminded me of myself when my parents…when they’d taken me to Adigeon Prime. That, and the fact that I never saw the station counsellor after coming back from the Gamma Quadrant…I think that set me off. I had to get out of there.”

Jadzia brushed her hand against Julian’s temple. “Oh, _Julian_ ”, she whispered, pulling him into a tight embrace. Julian was still clutching the teacup, as if letting go of it would make him spiral again.

“Are you comfortable sharing with us why it made you spiral?” Worf asked in a rather un-Worf-like way. “It would be good for me to know if there are jobs you cannot complete for the time being. I’m sure the station’s counsellor could provide me with a list, but I’d imagine you can assess your needs better than anyone else.”

Julian nodded. “I think it was just a moment’s weakness. The boy reminded me of who I’d been, and since my parents’ recent visit didn’t exactly end well…it must have been my mind’s way of telling me that I’m not doing well at all.”

“I see”, Worf said, sounding more like himself. He then let go of Garak and turned to face Odo. “Constable. How about we leave these three alone for a while? I believe it would be easier for Doctor Bashir if only Jadzia and Mr. Garak were to stay while he recovers.”

Odo looked confused but did not argue. He followed Worf outside, leaving Julian inside with Jadzia and Garak. Finally, a moment to catch his breath. His heart still felt like it was ready to jump out of his chest if he were to be honest.

“Now, my dearest doctor”, Garak said, sitting on Odo’s chair, “I believe you haven’t told us the real reason you look so miserable.”

Julian laughed hollowly. “Always on point, aren’t you, Garak?” he asked as he pulled away from Jadzia’s embrace. “I…I really have had a lot on my mind. The little boy, the little _Jules_ in me has been rather loud as of late. I feel like I’ve missed my chance to tell my parents that I still cannot forgive them. I feel like a subspace message simply wouldn’t be enough, no matter how deeply I explain my feelings about it.”

“And what exactly are your feelings on the matter?” Garak asked. His devious smile almost irritated Julian, but he chose not to react to the feeling. Being angry would be too easy; Julian knew he’d have to step out of his comfort zone for this discussion.

“Uncertainty”, Julian breathed, “I’m feeling unsure if my parents really loved me unconditionally or if I was just another trophy for them to brag about. But when I think of it any further, I find that I don’t want to know the answer after all. Because, if I was just meant to be an extension of them, how could I ever claim to be truly me? I’ve already done so much to please them, so much to earn their love that…I don’t know what to do at all. I’ve already gone down the career path they chose for me, not the one I wanted.”

“Ah”, Garak interrupted, “but your career path does suit you, or would either of you disagree?” When Jadzia shook her head, Garak smiled deviously. “After all, you did perform a surgery at the tender age of five, did you not? What was the patient’s name again? Kuka…”

“Kukalaka”, Julian said, now smiling fondly, “but that story is just what I told myself when I needed some comfort. I didn’t actually –”

Shaking his head, Garak tutted. “Let me finish, dear doctor. I have seen you show compassion to others in so many occasions that I have come to the conclusion that it must be a part of your personality. Had you not become a doctor, I could see you as a counsellor, or perhaps a worker in an orphanage. Even if tennis were your sole source of income, I bet my shop that you would play more charity games than anyone else.”

Jadzia was smiling now, nodding at Garak’s speech. No matter of Garak’s origin (a Cardassian spy, obviously!), he was insufferably good at reading people. He knew Julian inside out and could probably convince everyone on the station of Julian’s good heart.

Well, anyone except Julian whose opinion of himself was currently all too low.

“Not to mention that you’re amazing with children”, Jadzia added, “and I’m surprised you don’t have any of your own yet.”

Julian shook his head. “I wouldn’t be a good parent”, he muttered, “I know I’d love any child unconditionally, but I fear I’d hurt it the way my parents hurt me. I mean, I would never have my child’s genes scrambled like eggs but what if I ended up saying or doing something hurtful? No, it’s better that I just babysit my friends’ children.”

“Shame”, Jadzia said, “but I see your point, Julian. Better not to force it.”

“That _is_ a shame indeed”, Garak added, “because, in my experience, those who have suffered at the hands of their parents end up being much kinder parents than theirs ever were. That is, if they do have children. You, my dear doctor, would make for the kindest father the station has known. And remember, the station knows Captain Sisko and Chief O’Brien.”

Julian was smiling now. His eyes glistened when he finally set his teacup on the desk, having drunk some of the tea as Garak spoke. He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide the tears that had sprung there. Suddenly, he became very aware of his body and how exhausted it felt.

“I’m spent”, Julian whispered, “how long of my shift is still left?”

“It’s covered”, Jadzia told him, “and I believe that your nurses scheduled you an appointment with the counsellor for tomorrow afternoon. How about we have a drink at Quark’s instead? You’re welcome too, Garak, if you’d like to join us.”

“Why, of course”, Garak replied, smiling that mysterious smile of his.

On the way to Quark’s, Julian was stopped by Worf. The Klingon lacked his usual aura, which Julian could only call menacing – instead, Worf looked almost sympathetic. It was difficult to tell; Julian had never been too good at reading people’s expressions.

“I only wish to say”, Worf began, “that it is my belief that you are not obliged to forgive your parents for what they did to you. I know that the lack of love and affection is harmful for human children and I do not condone the way you were treated.”

Julian nodded. “Thank you, Worf. Care to join us for a drink at Quark’s?”

“I am not opposed to a glass of prune juice. In fact, I think I would enjoy it.”

“The more, the merrier”, Julian said and followed his friends to Quark’s bar.

Perhaps, with time, Julian would learn to accept himself, scrambled genes and uncertainty included. After all, he already had friends who did and were ready to comfort him.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment and I'll give you an entirely unrelated fact!


End file.
